The Conscience of the Boy
by citrus luver
Summary: At the academy, Jim "celebrates" the evacuation of Tarsus every year by holing up in the library searching for signs of Kodos in anything. Then, he goes out looking for someone to fuck. He never twigs why it's Bones he's always bringing home with him.


**Author's Notes: **This was written for the Jim and Bones LJ community's anniversary celebration. The prompt was:

At the academy, Jim "celebrates" the evacuation of Tarsus every year by holing up in the library searching for signs of Kodos in anything. Then, he goes out looking for someone to fuck. He never twigs why it's Bones he's always bringing home with him.

Please enjoy.

**The Conscience of the Boy**

By Citrus Luver

**Year 1**

For most people at the academy star date 2255.292 was like any other beautiful crispy fall Friday, it was right in the middle of term. Most of the students were rushing to an early class or enjoying the sunlight on one of the many benches scattered around campus grounds. Others who didn't have Friday classes were already starting the inevitable weekend gaming marathons on their PADDs. Even future Starfleet officers enjoyed playing the newest released holo games.

Only Jim Kirk had holed himself up in the top floor of Starfleet Academy's lucrative library. In the two months, he had been at the academy he had never once set foot in the library, but he heard the stories. Starfleet Academy gave its cadets almost unlimited access to the Federation's history and files.

However by 11 o'clock, his eyes were getting blurry from reading, and he had long emptied out the case of beer he had snuck into the study room. He stumbled out of the library and dumped the empty beer bottles into the trash can on the way out.

He was certain the Andorian minding the front desk gave him a weird look as he left.

_Fuck. _

Kodos was a sly man. He had always been a sly man. Thus Jim was as certain as he was that the sun would rise in the east the next morning that Kodos was still alive. Jim wasn't like the officers who told him they had found Kodos' burnt body after Liberation Day. He still remembered the kind officer on the USS Constellation who handed him a bowl of warm soup and gently squeezed his shoulders. "You're going to be okay, Jimmy," he had said.

Jim had seen the burning, but he wasn't convinced that Kodos was dead. His gut told him that Kodos was alive, and his gut rarely lied. He was determined to find him, and when he did, Kodos was going to pay. He was going to face retribution for all the lives that he had murdered. Jim was going to make sure this time Kodos stayed dead.

Just not this year...

Jim stumbled thru the streets of San Francisco.

_Damn_.

His head was pounding. The screams from the little children who he had watched get shot, been unable to save, and been unable to protect swum in his head. They always got louder today. His little cousins who had died in his arms and the little baby who had bled out in his arms as he tried to apply pressure, he remembered them all. He could still remember the iron smell that lingered in his tattered clothes and skin. He had spent hours in the sonic on the USS Constellation and later in the scalding bath water in Riverside before he could convince himself that he could no longer smell their blood.

He needed to forget. His skin suddenly felt so damn tight.

_Damn it_!

He needed a long, hard fuck. He needed the taste and smell of another body. He wanted to be fucked.

He wandered into the Delta Quadrant. It was one of the bars he and Bones frequented.

He wondered if Bones was back in their room studying. Bones rarely went out unless Jim personally dragged him somewhere. He was always complaining that 'he needed to study, damn it'.

The bar was hot and sticky. There was loud Andorian music blasting from the stage. A female voice was bellowing out the words along with the music. Jim could smell the sweat and pheromones that lingered in the stifling hot air.

He pushed through the crowd that had conglomerated around the stage as he headed towards the bar. It was mostly empty. "Bourbon on the rocks," he slurred out.

_Damn_.

He was drunker than he thought.

The bartender passed him a glass. There were two generous fingers. The ice sphere twirled on point in the bottom of the glass.

Jim downed it in one gulp. It burned going down. He needed it. He vaguely wondered if this burn was worse than the burn his little cousin had felt from the bullet wounds. He suddenly felt sick.

He waved for another one. The bartender was busy tending to another patron.

His skin felt itchy. God he needed that fuck. He spun around on his heels. The room was filled with potential candidates from the hour glass shaped females to the muscular males. Normally he would have gone for any of them.

However, today he passed over his normal choosing. His hazy vision turned to the only other patron at the bar. It was a man. He was hunched over and nursing a glass of bourbon. He had long, midnight black hair that hung over his eyes. His fingers were long and supple as they held the glass he was drinking from.

He felt his cock twitch signaling its interest. Jim wobbled forward. He brushed his hips against the other man's. His eyes widened when he recognized the owner.

"'ones?" Jim slurred out.

The man turned around startled. "Jesus Christ, kid!" Bones barked.

His lips looked so full and lush as they thinned into the all too familiar frown. He wondered if they tasted like the Georgian peaches that Bones always talked about. Jim found himself lurching forward.

Bones grabbed him. He held him away at arms' length. "Fuck, kid!"

Jim's eyes widened. He licked his lips. "Yeah, let's fuck," he said excitedly.

Bones sighed. He stood up. With one hand he grabbed the back of Jim's collar while with the other he grabbed Jim's right arm.

"Come on, Jim. Let's go home," Bones said. Jim could smell the alcohol in Bones' breath. Bones had a mean alcohol tolerance. Jim had learned the hard way in the two months they had known each other.

He manhandled him out of the bar. Somehow Bones had managed to maneuver them both through the crowd without crashing into anyone.

"Bones," Jim whined as the cool autumn Californian breeze hit him. He pivoted so that his chest was against Bones'. God did Bones feel warm.

Bones simply glared at him. He shook his head. However unlike before, he didn't push Jim away.

Jim wasn't sure how Bones managed to maneuver them both into a hover taxi. He could still smell Bones' cologne as the other man buckled him in.

Did Bones always wear cologne?

They eventually arrived at their dorm room. Bones was still maneuvering him by his collar and right arm. He slouched against Bones' shoulder blades. They were sharp and pointy. Bones felt like he was made from a pile of skin and bones… bones. Jim laughed.

He saw Bones roll his eyes as he worked to pry off his reds. "I don't want to know," Bones muttered as he shoved Jim into his bed. Jim landed heavily.

As Bones turned away, Jim grabbed his pant legs. "Boones, let's fuck... Please."

Bones reached for his fingers and gently... more gently than Jim had ever felt loosened his grip. "Go to sleep, Jim. You don't mean it." His voice sounded strained and tired.

Jim fell asleep to Bones looking down at him.

**Year 2**

After the previous year's failure, this year Jim had a plan. It was going to narrow his search. He had formulated a list of attributes that he remembered from his sparse interactions with Kodos. He was going to find the murderer, damn it.

It would be ten years since Kodos walked free. Since he slipped past the Federation's grasp, since he murdered all those people.

By 11 o'clock, he felt like Kodos had slipped thru his fingers once again.

He was drunk. He needed a goddamn good fuck. He needed to get those damn voices out of his head.

He once again stumbled out of the library and made his way to the Delta Quadrant. The Saturday night crowd had already gathered. The Saturday night holo karaoke event had long started. It seemed that management had upgraded their holo personas.

Jim stumbled to the bar. God he felt more drunk this year than he swore he was the year before. He collapsed into bar stool and waved for his drink.

God he need his whiskey, and he needed sex. The voices were getting worse.

He was downing his second drink and scanning the bar for potential fuck buddies when an all too familiar song blasted thru the bar. The song was country, and it was old. It was older than most of the vintage music that Jim normally listened to. It was a sad song. It was about past regrets and the importance of letting go. It was a song that hit too close to home, and Jim didn't want to hear it, especially not today.

Damn he needed a fuck, but first he needed that song to stop.

He slapped down the empty glass before slipping from the bar stool. He pushed thru the crowd that had gathered around the stage. There were catcalls and other forms of cheers. The singer was a man. It was a deep, huskily voice, and God did it sound familiar.

When he finally pushed forward, he was met with the sight of Bones singing into the microphone. His hair was more rowdy and unkempt than normal. He looked like he had just gotten off shift. Most of all, he looked like he was fucking the microphone.

Jim felt his cock twitch excitedly. When the sound ended, and Bones left the stage. Jim was waiting. He pounced on Bones.

"Jesus Christ, Kid! Are you trying to give a guy a heart attack?!"

"Boones..." He twined their arms together.

"Fuck, Jim!" Bones snapped.

Jim's smile widened. "Exactly."

"Unbelievable," Bones muttered. He dug into the back of Jim's collar and directed them both outside.

It felt like déjà vu when Bones pushed him onto the bed and proceeded to peel off his boots. As Bones stood up, Jim grabbed him. "Bones... Please," he begged.

The voices, the visions they were getting louder and more vivid. "Why don't you want to fuck?" He whined.

Bones sighed. He undid Jim's grip.

"Go to sleep jim. You still don't mean it."

**Year 3**

The third year was a Sunday. Keeping with ancient old traditions, the bars refused to sell alcohol. As a result, Jim had brought twice the amount of 'celebratory beer' to the library.

So when he stumbled out of the library at 11 o'clock, he was drunker than the years before.

Kodos was still out there at large.

He stumbled thru the academy streets. Most of the students were holed up doing last minute homework. He would have to be more creative in finding someone to fuck.

However somehow he found himself walking towards Starfleet Medical. The oppressing stark white building towered over him. He was halfway towards the door when it opened for him.

There was Bones towering and glaring at him. Bones was wearing his obligatory white and grey medical uniform. There were fucking wings on his shoulder blades. A thousand dirty thoughts of different ways to fuck him crashed thru Jim's mind.

Jim found himself falling into Bones. It seemed after knowing each other for over two years; Bones easily caught him.

"God Jim, figures you'd find a way to get wasted even on a Sunday."

Jim blinked. He looked up at Bones with beady eyes. He felt himself flashing backwards in time to almost eleven years ago.

The blood... the screams...

God, he needed... wanted it to stop.

Instead of saying what he had said in previous years that he wanted to fuck. He found himself saying the words that no social worker and no therapists could get him to say.

"They died Bones. God, they died in my arms. My cousins, my friends, I couldn't save them, Bones." He buried himself in Bones' arms. He felt Bones draw a deep breath. He felt Bones run his fingers thru his hair. They were steady and sure as always.

"Come on, Jim let's go home," he muttered.

Like the previous years, Bones led him back to his dorm. He peeled off his shoes. However, unlike the previous years when Bones would walk away after making sure Jim wouldn't fall off the bed, this time Jim didn't have to grab his pant legs. Jim vaguely wondered when the chair next to his bed appeared when Bones sat down. Bones ran his fingers over his arms. The arms that held so much blood...

"You can't save everyone, Jim." Bones muttered. They were the last words Jim heard before falling asleep.

**Year 4 **

Jim was stuck on a diplomatic mission, and it wasn't until days later that he realized star date 2258.292 had long passed.

It seemed Kodos would have to wait again.

**Year 5**

The fifth year San Francisco was still healing from the destruction caused by Admiral Marcus's USS Vengeance and the Khan fiasco as Starfleet had dubbed it in the weeks after the raid.

Jim found himself spending many days and weeks after being discharged from Starfleet Medical in meetings and debriefings, so when he returned to his apartment and found Bones on his living room couch nursing a glass of bourbon and bouquet of morning glories next to him, Jim was confused.

"Bones?"

Bones looked up. He obviously hadn't heard him come in. He bit his lips before setting down his glass.

"Come on Jim."

He sounded so tired. He picked up the bouquet of flowers, the bottle of half empty bourbon and pulled Jim out the door.

Soon afterwards, Jim found himself at Starfleet's shuttle bay. Scotty seemed to be waiting for them. He was holding the instant transwarp beaming device that Khan had used to instantly transport to Qo'noS.

Jim blinked. "Bones? Scotty?"

Neither man answered as Scotty handed Bones the device. "The coordinates have already been entered, Doctor McCoy. You just have to reverse the formula to get back."

Bones nodded.

Before Jim could react, because fuck… Bones didn't even trust the transporter pads on the Enterprise.

Seconds later, Jim felt the familiar sensation of his molecules being scattered apart. When he next opened his eyes, he found himself on a desert planet. As he looked around, he felt his breath hitch. He recognized this place. God, he used to have nightmares about this place. Returning again after so many years, he felt like he had never left.

He could even see the now decrepit community in the distance that had been his home for eight months. They had been good months until the end.

"Bones?"

"I didn't go snooping for facts, but it wasn't difficult to deduce. I put the facts together. Every year at the academy on today, you hole yourself up at the library. The two years in your medical files that were labeled as classified even after I became your chief medical officer. The 3rd year, you muttered about how you watched them bleed out."

Bones wrapped his arms around Jim's shoulders. "You were here on Tarsus. You saw it all didn't you?"

Jim sighed. "Yeah, yeah I was. Mom and Frank sent me here to live with my aunt and uncle after I crashed Dad's car in the quarry."

The explanation he thought he would never have to give. He always thought he would carry Tarsus in his mind forever. The Federation had sealed all records and later courtroom hearings about the matter. The list of civilians who had volunteered to live there had been redacted.

"I thought this would help before we shipped out."

Bones led him past the now abandoned civilization. Jim felt his breath hitch when he saw the monument that had been erected. It was located in the center of the courtyard where Kodos made his speech. In the same courtyard Jim had watched as friends, acquaintances and loved ones were shot down. The stone walls of the courtyard which Jim and his band of rebels had climbed over and found so tall and formidable then seemed so short now. Most of the walls have been toppled over on Liberation Day.

When he stepped closer, he noticed that the names of all 4000 colonists who had perished that day were engraved on it.

"Some of the families of the victims came together and got this monument created," Bones explained. It explained the fresh flowers, food and cards that were cluttered at the base of the monument.

Jim never stayed in touch with any of the other survivors of Tarsus. His mother had been adamant in shielding him from it all, and Jim really didn't want to see any of the survivors. They reminded him of all the people he couldn't save.

"It wasn't any one's fault." Bones squeezed his shoulders.

"I know," Jim muttered. The unspoken words that he knew Bones were thinking and why he brought him here. The events from the past year, Jim could see the parallels between Marcus, Khan, Kodos and even himself. They had all chosen their own paths to protect the ones they cared about. His days spent in hearings showed him it wasn't his place to judge who was right and who was wrong.

Bones handed him the flowers.

Jim laid the flowers with the other offerings. For all the people he couldn't save. For all the people he tried to save. For all the people who had died so he could live.

"I'm so sorry." He muttered.

He felt Bones' grip tighten around his fingers.

**Many Years Later**

Somehow, during their second five year mission, when Kodos finally did appear before him as a Shakespearean actor, Jim found himself restraining Kevin Riley from shooting the man. The man he had spent so many years trying to find.

Kodos still died that day on the Enterprise, but it wasn't Jim or Kevin who fired the fatal shot.

That night as Jim curled into Bones' warm embrace, the voices... the cries... after so many years finally stopped.

_Fin_

**Author's Notes: **Sorry about the lack of porn. I really don't think it is in Bones' character to have fucked Kirk while he was drunk.

The Delta Quadrant is a holo-karaoke bar referenced in the Starfleet Academy books released a few years back. The title and other parts of this story are taken from the TOS episode 'The Conscience of the King' that first mentioned Tarsus and Kodos.


End file.
